Continuing to start anew...

I wonder how many blogs out there haven't been touched, read or even thought about in ages? Is it one more thing in our lives that we start, but....

So, I am here to continue this blog....not just so that I can say I continued what I started (thought that sounds so responsible), but because I know this is part of me continuing my journey to start anew. The transition phase is still going on, and maybe life is a transition. But this is my journey.

I am in Charlotte for real now. I think it's FINALLY sinking in even though there is STILL nothing hanging on the wall, no NC driver's license, no roots to be put down. What am I resisting? What am I waiting for? But I realize this thought has started going SO much further...

Do you know that email about the woman who passed away but had the fancy schmancy lingerie that she had been saving for the special occasion, and the husband begs you to not wait for special occasions? I feel like that is my life (minus the fancy schmancy lingerie....well, and the husband!). I mean, I'm starting to realize that I don't seem to do ANYthing for just me. It's almost not worth it. Why bother making those strawberries into something nice with cream cheese unless someone is coming over? Why bother going to the park if it's just me and Grace (who by the way is the best dog EVER)? I don't only put others before myself....I don't put me ANYwhere in the equation! The very idea of "not doing" goes against every part of my nature yet if there isn't someone to do something for, I find myself actually asking myself "Why do it?"

So now that I've been able to even realize that is what I'm doing, I catch myself actually wasting time trying to figure out WHY I do it. Does it matter? If I wake up to find that I am not living my life, should I continue not living it until I can figure out why I stopped in the first place? (Wow, even i have to read that one again.)

So, then it's like...well, how do I do this? What is "this"? Living life to the fullest has always been a passion of mine, and I know it still is, yet I am having trouble getting moving. How do I get out there? What do I do first? When do I do it? Do I go by myself or invite people? I hate decisions, but waiting for someone else to make the decisions has made me resemble a coma patient. So, we'll see...can I come out of this coma and appreciate this abundant life I have?

I'm not dead yet.