Learning to Pass the Test

As a teacher, I would never think that the way to succeed is to realize that you can't pass the test and to let someone who can pass it take it for you! But that's what God has been teaching me. In my life, my job is to be faithful. When there are obstacles that look like tests...they aren't for me to take. My ONLY test to be faithful and to trust... completely... that He will pass this "test".

Most recently, I found out that my bank had been paying my rent late for four years....combined with my "not-so-great" credit seemed to make it completely impossible to get an apartment after my move. So, I needed a miracle...

My miracle: Not only did I get my first choice of apartments, not only did I get the largest one, not only did I get approved (INSTANTLY)....I got all of that AND a deposit of $62.50! It's all God!

I don't think God always makes it that easy or gives us the miracles that we THINK we want. I've seen it the other way, but sometimes it takes a lot of being faithful and trusting before anything comes through. For me, I have just been so used to beating my head up against the wall for too many years....I wish I hadn't lost site of how good is just because things were rough for so long....

I will get through this big picture by focusing on one detail at a time!

Do you consider yourself more of a big picture person or a detail oriented person?

It's one of my favorite interview questions. I love that you can tell where people place importance by HOW they answer it. The way they answer (no matter what their answer is) usually conveys what they think is the "right" answer, and that tells you more about a person than anything.

I don't think I would say this in an interview, but I think the way I see it is a fractal. It's definitely a big picture, and I enjoy the big picture, but I'm very aware that it's made up of details, and I'm fascinated by the details. I love to zoom in on them, and see how they compare....but that's when I see that each detail IS also a big picture...made up up more details which are also big pictures (and so on). The reason I love the big picture is because of the details. I see the whole picture and the details at the same time.

And I think that is why I like the question. There are really 5 general answers (even though you're only offered 2). You can be big-picture type or detail-oriented and be oblivious to the other side, but you can also start with one and then switch to the other.

Oh well, anyways....I'm realizing a whole new world to this question, not just because of the endless interviews that we are doing as we find my replacement, but also because I have really been struggling with finishing strong. And the hardest part is that I don't even know what's going on. The task(s) at hand are very overwhelming. I always thought seeing both were ideal. I can see the big picture and I can see the details, but it's hard for me to for me to see how they connect....and without that I have NO picture.

So, I created a spreadsheet that gives me the big picture of projects that need to be done (color-coded by week) with every detail there. And every day I say to myself that I will get through this big picture by focusing on one detail at a time!

Fake It 'Til You Make It!

This is by far not my favorite phrase...I've always struggled with it, but I've seen it really work. My favorite example is a former roommate, who would get up an hour or two early on days that she was feeling sick. She would put curlers in her hair, put full make up on and wear a great outfit. She said that this got her through the day. When she felt like crawling under a rock, she compensated with her presentation and appearance so that she would carry herself in a way throughout the day that others would not know that she was "feeling" like half of herself. She faked the other half until she could make it back to being herself. It was amazing! She functioned sometimes at a HIGHER level on those blah days!

I think part of me has struggled with how that fits into a life reaching for living a transparent and genuine life. My friend is a very genuine person and truly found strength of spirit and in reality a way of being herself MORE through the actions. But maybe what the magic of it really is that the wording misrepresents what really is striving towards a goal. It's not really fake if you are simply letting God's grace carry you without HOLDING BACK His glory that is shining through you. You see, it's not that you are faking anything...you may FEEL like you are faking it, but you are just recognizing that you really are human and really are empty...but that you don't have to let that be your whole story. One of the perks of being a disciple is that God rewrites our story...not just for eternity, but the day to day story as well....even the days that we really don't wanna exist. So, go ahead, wake up a little earlier, dress a little nicer and most definitely hold that head a little higher. Even if you aren't feeling up to it, God is...and He will take care of today...and every other day.

In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps. Proverbs 16:9

Last week, I went to Charlotte for interviews and planning. I had it all figured out--all of my i's were dotted and t's crossed. So, when everyone else wasn't following the plan, I became frustrated and scared. My plans were falling down around me. Only one school interview? The district wasn't following up? The neighborhoods were sketchy at best? The apartment complexes left much to be desired? What was I supposed to do? How could I figure this out? Finally, on Friday night (later than I'd like to admit), I broke down. I couldn't get this figured out, much less before I left to come back to Chicago on Saturday. So, I prayed for God to rescue me. I felt like it was a last resort and I definitely was ready for a last resort.

God's response? Well, He chuckled and replied that He was already taking care of it. While I was playing like I was doing ANYthing, He was laying the plans and lining things up already.

What a great feeling! God is already many steps ahead of me. It's not that I don't need to plan, but I do need to just TRUST!! Silly me, thinking this was MY thing. :o) Hopefully one day this repeated lesson will stick- that when God gives you an assignment, He doesn't expect for YOU to do it. I can do nothing without Him. The whole point is to JOIN HIM where He is already at work--His empty vessel, with the accent on EMPTY!

All that to say that I am now a part of the teaching team at the School of Math, Engineering, Technology and Sciences at Olympic High School in Charlotte, North Carolina! More details to come---in His time, in His time....

Just the Facts....so far

This blog is getting more and more scattered, but I guess it's representive of my life right now. It'll be neat to see if the blog finds focus....lol. I guess I've also had trouble being as present with blogging which also makes sense. Well, anyways, I continue...

About 3 years ago (Jan/Feb), I realized during my devotional time that God was starting me on a transitional time that would last about 5 years (maybe the timeline was more me than God) :o) So, since then, I've been through so many changes since then that I can't begin to detail out the journey. Factually speaking, I quit teaching to be able to step back and think more about what I'm really doing. At Cornerstone Academy, I was so involved with the everyday, that I could've easily kept it up forever (and enjoyed it and been working in some facet of God's will), but I felt a tugging to really analyze my life (since I never analyze things!). So, I started working across the hall (I missed the kids!) at Cornerstone Counseling Center of Chicago. It was a great place in so many ways. I mean, the kids come by and visit (as opposed to interrupting), I work with some of the coolest/greatest/neatest people in the world, I work at a truly God-led organization really working to help the community and I've learned so much about myself, how I work, how I deal with things. It's been a crucial part of healing for me from so much of what I've been through here in Chicago.

A little less than a year ago, I realized that another step in the journey would be actually leaving Chicago (another place I could easily stay the rest of my life and be perfectly happy). Well, it took several months for God and I to really hash this decision out, but once I accepted it, I knew it was right. But, then what....when you leave the place that you've been your WHOLE ENTIRE ADULT LIFE, where do you go? And if I leave Chicago after being so hurt, messing so much up, and not finding resolution to about ANY of it....does it mean that I failed? Or I'm giving up? There was so much there for me, and I wanted to "figure it all out", but finally I bit the bullet. I accepted the assignment, and I have been TRULY amazed. I've been finding resolution so quickly that I can barely process it.

So, with all of that, I am moving to Charlotte, NC in July of this year to go back to teaching. I will be heading down there tomorrow to visit schools and attend their job fair. I have an open contract but will be getting my actual school assignment VERY SOON!

The other exciting thing is that I probably have a dog. My mom just had a puppy, a little girl, that I will probably be getting as my dog when I move. I've wanted a dog for several years, so this is a perfect part of the transition for me!

Well, I have tons that I need to post, so hopefully I'll do that soon and keep you updated on all the changes!

A Part of Something Bigger

I believe in Christianity as I believe the sun has risen, not only because I see it but by it I see eveything else. C.S. Lewis

Our 6th Annual Vision Benefit is on Thursday, and it definitely is the majority of what my little mind can comprehend right now. It is so exciting. CCCOC is such an amazing agency. I have enjoyed watching God work in and through CCCOC for years, especially these last 2 that I have worked there. I mean, it's a great example of watching your Father at work and joining Him where He is already working. We provided $91,959 of unreimbursed services last year to clients using the sliding fee scale program. When you combine that with the recent grade of a "low" F that Illinois received in serving mental health needs, it's easy to see a place where God is at work, healing His children. It's so neat to be a small part of this. In the planning of this fundraiser, I feel like God has done so much. It is awe-inspiring to see what He has done to get us ready for Thursday. (And our staff has been so faithful as well!)

We really need this fundraiser. We really need people to join with us to be able to accomplish what we've already started (and more). We really need to bring in sponsors to cover these unreimbursed services as we continue to see more and more people in need of therapy who cannot afford it otherwise.

I know that our Heavenly Father knows our needs, don't get me wrong. I mean, our needs come directly from the work we are joining Him in. I know that CCCOC strives to let God be in charge at all times. So, with that in mind, I will close with one of my favorite verses that seems to be appropriate...

" Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." (Eph. 3:20-21)

Special Moments

One of the happiest moments that I can remember surround one momentous occasion--the birth of my baby brother. I still remember so much of it so vividly. I had wanted a sibling for so long. I could barely believe it was happening. I don't even have to close my eyes to feel like I'm back in that waiting room, brushing the bright pink hair of my poochie doll, as Dad comes down the hall of the hospital, with a towel aptly tied around his waist to hide the split in his blue hospital pants. So many people wanted to fight to see the little bundle of joy that Dad was showing off. Not wanting to participate in the fight, I sat brushing, anxiously awaiting my turn. But Dad insisted that it was everyone else who needed to wait because the big sister got first peek. And there he was, Travis Nathan Truesdale...20 years ago today.

I didn't think I could be prouder, looking at such an amazing miracle. What could be more special than the birth of a little brother? But now, looking back, that really was only the beginning. There are countless other moments since that one. I am so proud of my "not so little" brother now for so many reasons. Travis is such a success and has really grown to be quite a special man. It's so neat to be able to say I not only "look up" to my little brother, but I respect and admire him, too!

He's been grown up for quite some time now, but today, he's officially not a teenager anymore. What a momentous occasion! So, although that was just the beginning, today I celebrate the beginning as I say, "Happy birthday, Travis! Way to go!"

Found While "Packing"

I don't want to over-do the quotes, but I found the following quote from a field trip I took with the Cornerstone Academy kids to the Holocaust Museum downtown (Chicago). It seemed so appropriate after my earlier entry. It is from an inscription on the walls of a cellar in Cologne, Germany where Jews hid from the Nazis.

"I believe in the sun even when it is not shining.
I believe in love even when feeling is not.
I believe in God even when He is silent."

My struggles seem trivial compared to those who wrote and read those words day after day. If they could write them while going through their journey, I definitely find comfort in reading them. I hope you can find your peace as well.

Quotes

Okay, so I'm not a big Grey's Anatomy fan, but these two quotes are very dear to my heart, so here goes. (Meredith said them both.)

"A couple of hundred years ago, Benjamin Franklin shared with the world the secret of his success. Never leave that till tomorrow, he said, which you can do today. This is the man who discovered electricity. You think more people would listen to what he had to say. I don't know why we put things off, but if I had to guess, I'd have to say it has a lot to do with fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, sometimes the fear is just of making a decision, because what if you're wrong? What if you're making a mistake you can't undo? The early bird catches the worm. A stitch in time saves nine. He who hesitates is lost. We can't pretend we hadn't been told. We've all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to seize the day. Still sometimes we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug until we can't anymore. Until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin really meant. That knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beat the hell out of never trying."

"Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the ass. And when the dam bursts, all you can do is swim. The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves for so long. We are tired, we are scared, denying it doesn't change the truth. Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world. Head on, guns blazing. De Nile. It's not just a river in Egypt, it's a freakin' ocean. So how do you keep from drowning in it?"

I'm scared of the dark....night of the soul!

Some nights are darker than others...have you ever noticed that? There are so many variables; obviously a big one is where you are at, but also the atmosphere and the weather play a big part too and can discourage you and make it hard to find your way. I guess the same is true in life. I think all of us experience different dark nights of the soul, some are darker than others. A lot of it depends on where you are, spiritually. But the atmosphere and the weather play a huge part. When you have great support around you and hold on to your instructions (the Word of God), they can help you remember where you are and help you stay focused on what you need to.

I've always wanted to be able to say I'm not scared of the dark, but there are times I realize that it's not always true. I remember being in an unfamiliar field. We were far from the city, so there were no lights. It was so dark. I could hear animals near me, but I had no idea of anything going on around me. The ideas of what could happen to me without warning were numerous until I had only one thought: I NEED LIGHT. I could turn on the high-powered flashlight, so I was lucky. In a dark night of the soul, sometimes I feel the same way. I just need light, The Light. I know He hasn't changed, but it's just so dark, and I can't just "turn on the light." I had read that it's about trust. The Light is there. You just can't see it. But when you need Light, what you WANT is to SEE the light. Learning to trust that The Light is still there, still guiding you when you can't see on your own can be scary. Now, what if it started raining, even to the point of being muddy and slippery. The weather you're going through can feel unbearable, and even leave you dirty and bruised. But The Light is still there....hold to that truth and Keep an eye on your support and instructions until daybreak. Don't give up and don't trust just anybody. He's still in control. He will take care of you, even when you can't see it.

Okay, so basically, I am learning by leaps and bounds about my time here in Chicago. It has been by far the darkest I've known in my life. God has been so faithful, even when I haven't been. There have been some really hard times, times when I was just scared, beat up and torn apart at the seams, but looking back, I am thankful for even those darkest moments. They are all a part of me. Many times, I thought I was "stuck on survive," wondering if I would make it through. It's not that things are easy (by NO means), but I can at least see the Light now...and can see that it was there the whole time. So if you're going through dark times, I urge you to live knowing the Light is still there, knowing you will see it again, someday. This world isn't our home anyways, all we have to do IS survive this world (living our lives in the Light-even if we can't see it) then we go home to the perfection of our Daddy.

I pray that each of you feel the comfort of your Father's arms, but when you don't, I pray that you will be given the strength to know He's still holding you.

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The Beginning

This is definitely not the beginning of my journey (duh!), but this is the beginning of my blog. With all of the (MAJOR) changes in my life, I realized the need and desire to work (uh, blog) through it all. Some of these things will have already happened, some are happening as I type. Some of my posts will be very abstract, some very concrete. Some will be very full of joy, some will seem dark and possibly awkward. All of the posts are parts of my journey that are very real to me at that time. There will be a couple posted today just to catch up. :o)

I'm finding that with this transition, many loose ends that have been literally hanging around are tying up. So much is happening at what "seems" to be so fast. I don't want to lose any of these moments. I can already see how some of them are shaping me. (I have this odd feeling that the rest ARE shaping me and this blog may help.) I'm trying not to write this for anyone but myself, but feel free to take part in my journey with me (or watch from the sidelines).

Take care!